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By: Queenie
One of the most frequently asked questions
by our members here has been: HOW DO I GET RID OF MY LW-TAPE? Some years ago, I
asked this very question myself (on another site). I can’t say I was ever
offered any sort of “concrete” answer to this question…but over the years, based
on my own experience as well as through ‘meeting’ hundreds (!) of GOWs and WOWs,
I certainly have come to recognize that I can get closer to offering others a
“concrete” answer to this question.
Here's my Reader's Digest condensed
version of What It Takes to Heal from the LW-tape:
I need to begin this discussion by telling you all that I continue to stand firm
on what I’ve posted so many times before: that the man must love his new woman
AT LEAST AS MUCH as he ever did his LW before he stops doing/saying
EVERYTHING-WIDOWER that ever upset his new woman. But let me assure you that
there are certain "conditions" that must be in place before he SHUTS UP about LW
(if you haven't read that thread check it out, it's interesting) or there will
be no such thing as any woman being able to heal from her LW-tape.
Now, about those Conditions...
First, we need to be talking about a guy who really LISTENS to his new woman.
This is the guy who takes to heart everything that his new woman tells him about
what upsets (or has upset) her. After such a discussion, he may not do
everything exactly as she wants, and he may not even do anything differently at
all AT FIRST...but he clearly lets her know that he's thinking over, carefully,
everything she'd just told him ===this is the guy who then quickly ("quickly" =
typically within a few days to a few weeks following their conversation)
accomplishes at least something of what she's asked him to accomplish (I'm
including the fact that often this "accomplishing" works as a step-by-step
process --- but, don’t kid yourself, a step-by-step process doesn’t mean it
takes YEARS!!!).
The kind of man that I'm talking about, the guy who really LISTENS, is NOT:
* the guy who gets all weepy or whiney over what his new woman's telling him
she's upset about; like some man who defensively reminds his new woman of his
promises to his LW that he swears (again! and to you!) to uphold forever (ie.,
I'll never, ever, ever, take off my necklace o' wedding rings)...
* he's NOT the guy who gets pissed off as he, for example, throws some LW-object
in a closet just to shut the woman up; like some guy who makes a big "display"
of removing an LW-something from the environment as he shouts at his new woman:
THERE, see, I did it! Happy now? (this literally had happened for a couple of
our members)...
* he's NOT the guy who is dismissive toward his new woman's feelings; like the
kind of guy who essentially begs her to put up and shut up about whatever-LW and
all-things-widower he wants to maintain. This is the man who asks (and expects
her to agree to) his new woman essentially sacrificing her own precious life's
time for his sake; that she put her life on hold in the name of being Patient
with him, staying with him as he continues to mourn the love that he no longer
has (LW). Think of someone who you’ve known, a person who had you feeling that
they’re the kind of person who “wants their cake and to eat it, too” – that’s
this man!
So, OK, let's assume we're talking about a guy who LISTENS. What's next? Along
with a brief summary of what I’ve said so far, these steps are next:
1. We start with a guy who listens. (of course he only listens because he truly
does CARE about his new woman!!)
2. Next, he actually follows through on what he's heard (in the conversations
that his new woman has with him about what's been upsetting to her)...he's
making changes... which amounts to his progress in regaining his ability to
fully function in the world again...so he's feeling better, in general, than he
used to feel, and more connected to his new woman, as a result...
3. He WANTS to be educated...about what it means (to his new woman) to FULLY
SHUT UP about his LW (again, read that thread, I’m not going to provide my
definition for “shutting up about LW” here) He wants, just as much as his new
woman does, a peaceful, loving, NORMAL relationship. He doesn't want to make the
same "mistakes" he’s already made which, should he, he knows will (again) upset
his new woman. He doesn't want to make any new "mistakes" either. He turns to
his new woman for this education...and her frank discussions with him opens his
eyes to what it feels like for her to have an LW-tape...the issues that make up
her tape. (Can I give any woman here who is fearful of speaking her mind to her
guy a better reason to get over her fear than this article?) This is a time
where there are more "good" days than "bad" days for both people in the
relationship. Truthfully, what these days are are "practice makes perfect" days.
4. He finally does SHUT UP about LW!
But you know what his new woman's left with...right?
Her LW-tape!
Remember all those “good” days she’d been having?…she’s loved
those, of course! Remember those “bad” days she’d been having, too?…those sure
are confusing for her! The new woman is typically surprised that she has been
left, “stuck” with her LW-tape while her guy is good-to-go! This is the time
that the new woman learns EXACTLY what her “triggers” are; each painful item
that comprises her LW tape, and how one (or more) of her "triggers" can get
"tripped." So, her “good” days have been good, yes…but her “bad” days have been
TERRIBLE! Like a person with post-traumatic stress disorder having a flashback
kind of TERRIBLE! Naturally, she turns toward the source of her pain: her guy…
5. So his education gets kicked into high gear (like grad school for dummies )!
The new woman is now at the point where she can comfortably share her deepest
feelings - sharing with him just how deeply hurt she's been - and she tells him,
item for item, what makes up her LW-tape. This time is, typically, ripe for
ARGUING...intense, no-holds-barred type of arguing. This is the time when the
new woman is acutely aware that her guy has healed and that she's played a major
role his healing...and that she's paid a huge emotional price for playing that
major role...and she is very ANGRY (at him and herself)...because she's so
RESENTFUL (toward him)…and this is why she becomes so “comfortable” sharing her
deepest feelings with him! He, when he was in his widower/LW-mode, created her
LW-tape, and boy, does she know it!!! And boy, she does a very good job of
letting him know she knows it!!! Here's the pivot point in the
relationship…(drum roll).... aka: the process of healing from the LW-tape!…{remember,
this is a process!}
6. The man who loves his new woman...and I mean TRULY loves her...will sit there
and let his "ass get kicked" by her as many times as it takes her (verbally
kicking his ass) to erase an LW-tape-maker issue. Item by item, these
tape-makers get erased. So, woe to the man who defensively (ignorantly) says
something to her, during an ass-kicking, like: But I haven't done anything wrong
for (insert: the timeframe of his last memory of doing something wrong)...I'm
all-good NOW! Am I going to have to pay the price for how Stupid I used to be
with this LW/widower stuff --- forever?! (and typically, these guys eventually
do ask that question) If he thought she kicked his ass before...well, he finds
out mighty quickly how much better of a job she can do to kick his ass NOW for
having said that...
7. Each "ass kicking" is necessary - and as strange as that sounds, it is still
the truth. She needs him to understand, with every cell in his body UNDERSTAND,
how deeply she's been hurt...(to repeat, her pain is why she’s kicking his ass)
But the new woman also feels vulnerable (confused, guilty) WHILE she’s
kicking-his-ass, because she realizes that she can’t heal from her LW-tape all
on her own because if she could do it all on her own she wouldn’t be kicking his
ass – AGAIN! She comes to know that she needs his help to heal. And she asks him
for his help, and typically she feels strongly that he should want to help her
heal and that he WILL help her to heal just as she helped him heal. By this time
she knows she can count on him – his sitting through all the ass-kickings has
made her feel that she can count on him for help in healing. (Now you know why I
said, ass-kickings are necessary for both people!)
A man in love will jump through virtual hoops of fire to prove his love to her;
that he does understand the mistakes he's made in the past. He reinforces that
he understands why she'd been upset, and sometimes still gets upset (he
reinforces for her that he understands EXACTLY what her "triggers" are all
about; what he said/did to create them, that all of that is over and done with).
They reiterate to one another that neither of them wants UPSET of any sort to
exist between them...and he also proves his love for her, fortifies it, if you
will, by not EVER repeating any of his prior mistakes (tape-makers!)...or by
making any LW/widower new mistakes (tape-makers!). She proves her continuing
love for him by assuring him that she's working to rid herself of her triggers
and acknowledging his efforts in assisting her to heal. The result of their
joint effort, the fact that they are a UNITED front in the quest for healing,
will, eventually, lead to a full erasure of her LW-tape.
8. Life gets to NORMAL - because they each make every day NORMAL. Both continue
to work, their JOINT effort, to bring about the new woman's trigger/LW-tape
healing. When you hear the old adage: "give it time".....this is the time when
the couple is, in all practical terms, living that adage!
9. Sustained "normal" = both people in the relationship come to have the same
the attitude of: LW, who? Both people in the relationship can viably say that
they are healed…or, if you prefer that I state this another way, they BOTH can
say they’re good to go!
Safety Check: (you didn’t think I’d leave you without a CONCRETE
safety check, did you?)
10. The woman knows that she's completely healed from her LW-tape when she can
hear and/or see ANYTHING that has to do with LW/widower "stuff" in general (in
other words, no matter the source) and not give any of *that* any thought
whatsoever.
Copyright 2007 - WLW
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